I started out this post upbeat and positive about change, because the thought of change always gives me happy feelings inside. I was going to tell you about all the changes that are happening in my life right now. Then as I began to write all these things about change I realized that this was just a cover up. Change is a way for me to continuously not actually do anything different. It is a cop out and I need to be real with you and with myself if I want to make a difference. What changes are taking place are really not as important as me analyzing why change makes me temporarily happy. I can update you on them later. Here is the real scoop on change in my life.
It usually starts with me feeling unhappy with life. I feel overwhelmed and I'm certain that nothing is ever going to be any different. I have two choices. Either put on my big girl panties and actually make a difference or continue wallowing in my self loathing. I usually flop back and forth for awhile between thinking I'm changing and falling back into the same old traps. This phase involves endless research, planning and little real action. This actually sends me into a deeper depression, because it reinforces the thought that "NOTHING will ever change!" I then usually make some type of impulsive decision out of desperation. And for a little while that works. The change brings newness and excitement. It feels like there has been a substantial accomplishment. And then over time that fades away again and I'm back where I started. I feel like I'm on a perpetual roller coaster. I am either super high, motivated and ready to conquer the world or deep down low convinced that life sucks and I'd rather be anywhere but here. I'm fairly good at hiding how I really feel and functioning as if life is normal for the most part, but those inner thoughts are telling a different story.
The key to REAL change is remembering:
And we know where you get it from...
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